Could I understand what I’d stepped into with you. You, being, the total, the mass, the entirety of an experience. Cycles to be re-lived, I moved through you in hopes of a truth.
Calm this hectic mind, these still eyes, beyond my own understanding I desired a truth. I wanted to end what had begun but in my own, on my own, within my strength.
Who can trust the wind, who can trust the stars, who can trust the soft bed of any man or woman. In humans, I sought after a truth. I took the last thing I could assimilate as truth and reached toward you to claim you, in hopes of returning to that.
Who can trust intentions, who can trust the psyche, who can trust their own mind. There is a thing, without form, I sought after, it was true freedom, totally inexplicable to grasp.
Sex, my dear old friend, you tried. Loneliness and sex are the best of friends. Yet, they weren’t my best friends. If I sacrifice the body, I will get the truth. A mantra for the dead.
I lived death over and over again through you. I despaired at my seeking. But within walls of you, I became trapped and lost in a maze. The labrinyth had heavy walls.
I desire meaning, I tried to make this through You. Yet You were nothing in my own meaning. My own existence and your existence could not co-exist, one cancelled the other out. I dreamt of depth whilst riding you.
I dream of depth whilst dying to you. I dreamt of depth whilst telling you the secrets of my soul. I entrusted this to one: you, you and you. Yet, not age, not timing, not experience, nor wisdom, could reveal
A simple truth. I could not find what I searched for in you. But you, one day, will find something valuable in me. Something I knew I possessed. But it won’t be for personal gain, worth or esteem, it will be because
Like the simplicity of truth, you found me and let me be. You embraced a being and stopped becoming. My mate is a person who I will know yet before then, I must know myself.
In the mean time, as the wind brushes past, the sea clips toes and the sun sits high, guarding over the earth, I can wait. I will wait. We will talk deeply, openly, honestly, investing both into one.
My voice will be your call, your truth rushing forward, the connection that has been pending for the right moment. Until then, love, I’ll wait. I will not be dissatisfied because I will still be.
And you, whole, pure, also, will be in me. Then will the sex and loneliness become enemies and the love will flow and spur between two empty vessels, tipping and flowing between.
Because I desire something You won’t give me, but rather, fluidly exchange. Not the mind or the body or the soul can change or play with immaterial particles that flow continuously between you and I.
I am not a dreaming, floating puzzle; I am female, pure and abstract yet totally solved, not mystery at all. No interruptions, but causal exchange. You won’t fuck my mind, soul or brain.
You’ll open me as a flower, soft and gently, boyish charm erased, I will recognise touch in tone and not from palm. I will understand love from eyes and not palm. I will see the mirror of reflection complete.
Oh soul and soul, some day we will meet.