Why does the sunshine
your eyes your soul
I sigh you
I smile shine
Why does the sunshine
your eyes your soul
I sigh you
I smile shine
In the heat of summer
you read me poems
sweat between creases
and palms wiping foreheads –
you read me poems
I lay against your sound
tonation floats up and down
keep reading until
My eyes ran across your cheeks
And then sprinted to your lips
Round your beard and up to your nose,
Rolling onto the curves your brows
A moments’ pause at this point –
Knowing I’d be sweetly looking into your eyes.
Excited and zealous and gleeful like a kid
Chasing along the skin to arrive at my favourite part,
Here, into those eyes, I dive, heart pounding and complete submission, to never come up from submerging.
Whether fast or slow,
Whether reluctant or naive,
Scoff as you might,
you’ll still fall.
No-one is right, better, or correct,
just different hearts have different wounds,
different bandages and different swoons.
Forcefully or at ease,
you’re going to fall.
Timing is not on your watch, control or possession,
so falling is no option,
Idealise as you may,
falling is fact only – gravity pulling, invisible and strong.
It’s one hell of a ride,
but it’s one totally worth, maybe, being right,
or frustratedly, being wrong.
Human old or human young,
they all fall.
A universal feeling of something,
yet we pretend we don’t feel it at all.
It’s hard to recognise projection. It begins with a desire for self. It’s a want driven by a natural need of connection – at least, I think so. Recently, I’ve recognised what projection versus reality is in human interactions. Projection can be totally innocent but wrong – it inhibits full recognition and appreciation of reality.
I’ll begin with who I project the most onto – my younger sister. Not only does this handicap her from accepting her own reality as she is but also creates disillusion of myself.
It’s not wrong to have desires for what we want in others and what we want from our interactions with them but it’s not wholly right. It’s not truthful either and sometimes we project to deny the truth.
I’ll give an example.
For a long time I wanted a relationship where my sister and I could share secrets openly and honestly. But the way that I do it and the timing of this doesn’t fit into her own expression. And most importantly, as a compulsive liar it isn’t in anyone’s interest to tell the truth. Lying is true, essentially.
Now don’t get offended, compulsive lying is just the magnifying and sustenance of lying itself. A compulsive liar finds safety in the lying and it works well for their well-being. We all have mechanisms.
But instead, I chose to see her as I saw myself – we’re related, blood-related, so we must be the same in these areas, plus she’s my sister. Yet, time and time again I was faced with the reality of her. I masked it with the reality of me, constantly let down by any real hint at her truthful self. Her authentic self – who she’s, rightfully, chosen to be.
Projection is dangerous because it is fantasy. But fantasy only lasts so long before someone gets hit with real emotions and real reaction.
The type of people and the type of relationships we have with them are determined by our ability to see them and the interactions as they are, not asserting anything greater or smaller than what it is. When we deny that, we deny ourselves something fair and just – to accept reality and decide what we do next.
This has also happened with friends, boyfriends, and other family members. As hard and harsh as it feels to recognise, it’s essential to everyone’s well-being.
Unfortunately, it takes years and training to recognise this. Whenever you feel you are trying to focus on your needs – whether social, emotional, mental, etc – and how you idealise them you’re in danger of projecting onto others. It is okay that who they is who’ve they chosen to be and who they’ve chosen to be in relation to your life.
Instead of projection to fulfil what you may seek, it’s better to acknowledge what is and find something better suited for that need. In my case, having a close friendship enabled me to have that deep, secret-sharing relationship I desired with the ones I cared for most. One person is not to be who you want them to be – it’s up to them and in the meantime, it’s perfect fine to seek what you want elsewhere. A title does not determine a positive or negative interaction, just the person.
Its hardest with family because family represents unity, community and close ties but the reality is… it doesn’t. And likewise, titles equate to nothing and they equate to displeasure and dissatisfaction when pursued to what we, or society, deems fit for them. We choose who we want to develop deeper or what interactions to sustain, but they choose too.
At the same time, projection can happen to our selves from others. I know who I’ve been idealised versus who I am has been shown in how people interact with me. It creates a pressure to be a person you’re just not – and that is perfectly ok. It is not up to you to be who someone sees you as and if they can’t realise that or stop, well, it’s only time before their fantasy crashes on them.
The only thing I can see now is truth in evidential action – and that speaks greater than what I can idealise about a person. We hate to admit this is the case but it always is. Whatever we consciously do is a reflection of our personality and our relationship with another. I don’t want to fight reality anymore – it leaves me confused, broke and more alone.
My phone is a portal and when it doesn’t light up I start to think something is wrong. I spent the day with my thoughts. They were trapped in this flat and became huge balloons. I noticed they took up a lot of space. I had to monitor them. I had to let them pass. They were still balloons but instead of creating claustrophobia, they floated by, through windows, out into the atmosphere. Sometimes returning, other times disappearing. I find monitoring thoughts identifies how you see yourself. Mine are extremely detrimental and cemented in the past. I wondered why I felt actions and friendships I felt years ago still remained sore. My thoughts clung to them. In a recent break-up, I tried to tell myself this over and over again, it was ‘the only time this person is alive in your life is through your thoughts.’ This is the power of thought. Immaterial but deadly. My thoughts are constantly trying to resolve or solve issues from ages ago. My thoughts are constantly attempting to predict future occurrences. Whether it’s coping or boredom or idleness, it is a part of me that never switches off. Could you imagine have a conscious voice in your head mirroring ideas, situations and perceptions just while you are trying to exist? This voice does not switch off for me and when it does, I feel serene, surreal and anxious. People say it’s overthinking, I say it’s a function of the mind, one that can easily tip into dysfunction. A highly evolved mind that lacks control. Will controls the mind and this, perhaps, has me thinking that we have a will of authority to place our thoughts in line. I think from thirteen I began developing this secondary voice, it is an interesting part of my brain. I can tune out of any place and sit comfortably inside my head, debating, discussing, conversing with my self. My collection of thoughts, perceptions and ideas. Ones I’ve picked up from the world around me. I write with the ability to put out conscious other perspectives, I write to put out the immaterial of a sense of self or selves. I find as I’ve gotten older it is important to be whole rather than fragments. Fragments feel like a freedom, it feels flexible but it leaves you piece by piece rather than an entire thing, most people don’t understand what it is like to have different thoughts spin and run through your head. My brain is always shooting messages across and in-fact, I write to convey these messages in a soothing and understanding way. Reading and writing communicate and validate these thoughts, if they don’t matter, they remain pieces of floating points. However, my thoughts are diluted by emotions. Emotions can be conflicting and lead irrational decisions to be made. I’ve made a lot of irrational decisions, a defective computer can do this sometimes when its running on automatic. Autonomy that’s infected is incredible hard to deal with. Perhaps this is what I’ve described as depression: the loss of control, the automatic emotions numbed, the sense of nothingness, reproduction of empty acts. I used to be ashamed and confused but there seems no reason to be any longer. I don’t think I have a mental problem but rather, a mental functioning that serves me both good and bad. If you are your thoughts, using Descartes loosely, it means your existence has a basis in thought and its process. Positive thinking can be delusional, but negative can be deathly. So do I choose ignorance or death?
Is there an in-between?
In writing this, I’ve learned that my mental processing of information is quick and tedious. Maybe this is why I find it hard to focus on topics that don’t gratify or stimulate my brain… especially elitist, traditional teachings. University has done this and pulled out a brain-dead research gummy bear, but this is not what I went to University for. I gain life from like-minded thinkers, not dead old guys who I am forced to read from 60’s ‘pioneering’ theories. Where is the contemporary relevance and why must I prove my ability to critical think through regurgitated others before me – pioneers, lectures say, who have dictated certain inequalities in my already unequal world. It’s still elitist, specialisation means nothing but agreeing and progressing idea before you that will continues to influence masses. Ideas that create power for elitist and leave the poor powerless. If anything, University has made me internally, quietly, angry.
Could I understand what I’d stepped into with you. You, being, the total, the mass, the entirety of an experience. Cycles to be re-lived, I moved through you in hopes of a truth.
Calm this hectic mind, these still eyes, beyond my own understanding I desired a truth. I wanted to end what had begun but in my own, on my own, within my strength.
Who can trust the wind, who can trust the stars, who can trust the soft bed of any man or woman. In humans, I sought after a truth. I took the last thing I could assimilate as truth and reached toward you to claim you, in hopes of returning to that.
Who can trust intentions, who can trust the psyche, who can trust their own mind. There is a thing, without form, I sought after, it was true freedom, totally inexplicable to grasp.
Sex, my dear old friend, you tried. Loneliness and sex are the best of friends. Yet, they weren’t my best friends. If I sacrifice the body, I will get the truth. A mantra for the dead.
I lived death over and over again through you. I despaired at my seeking. But within walls of you, I became trapped and lost in a maze. The labrinyth had heavy walls.
I desire meaning, I tried to make this through You. Yet You were nothing in my own meaning. My own existence and your existence could not co-exist, one cancelled the other out. I dreamt of depth whilst riding you.
I dream of depth whilst dying to you. I dreamt of depth whilst telling you the secrets of my soul. I entrusted this to one: you, you and you. Yet, not age, not timing, not experience, nor wisdom, could reveal
A simple truth. I could not find what I searched for in you. But you, one day, will find something valuable in me. Something I knew I possessed. But it won’t be for personal gain, worth or esteem, it will be because
Like the simplicity of truth, you found me and let me be. You embraced a being and stopped becoming. My mate is a person who I will know yet before then, I must know myself.
In the mean time, as the wind brushes past, the sea clips toes and the sun sits high, guarding over the earth, I can wait. I will wait. We will talk deeply, openly, honestly, investing both into one.
My voice will be your call, your truth rushing forward, the connection that has been pending for the right moment. Until then, love, I’ll wait. I will not be dissatisfied because I will still be.
And you, whole, pure, also, will be in me. Then will the sex and loneliness become enemies and the love will flow and spur between two empty vessels, tipping and flowing between.
Because I desire something You won’t give me, but rather, fluidly exchange. Not the mind or the body or the soul can change or play with immaterial particles that flow continuously between you and I.
I am not a dreaming, floating puzzle; I am female, pure and abstract yet totally solved, not mystery at all. No interruptions, but causal exchange. You won’t fuck my mind, soul or brain.
You’ll open me as a flower, soft and gently, boyish charm erased, I will recognise touch in tone and not from palm. I will understand love from eyes and not palm. I will see the mirror of reflection complete.
Oh soul and soul, some day we will meet.